The Hardest Part

      What is the hardest part about being diagnosed with cancer?  Who knows.  It could've been finding out that what seemed to be a routine surgery to remove a lymph node turned out to be cancerous growth, it could've been waiting to find out if it had spread which would determine the rest of the year for me, or maybe it was finally getting the answer that it had definitely spread.  That it's real.  Treatment is happening, I'm not going back to Dixie, I will probably lose my hair, and this won't end for half a year.
     On August 9, 2012 I was officially diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  It's a cancer that travels through the lymph vessels in your body and gathers usually in Lymph nodes.  It was a weird feeling to actually have a confirmed diagnosis.  When the nurse was describing where the cancer had spread, it reminded me of when I take a test for school and I really hope I did good..but I know I didn't.  Each place the cancer spread to was like a wrong answer that I wished I could erase, but there was nothing I could do to change it.  I couldn't retake the test, I couldn't study more, that was it.  This is my reality.
    Now how do I feel?  How should I feel?  I feel scared.  Scared of what's to come, scared of the change, scared to not go back to school where I feel regular and safe.  I also feel like the hardest part might just be accepting that this is how my life is going to be for the next year...it's going to be scary.
    To back things up a little, it all started this summer.  I had a lymph node under my arm that seemed like no big deal.  I had had it for years with no changes and no symptoms.  It didn't seem like that much of a problem, even when I started thinking about getting it removed, but I wanted to anyways.  Maybe it was just for the attention...to be honest, I did entertain the thought of a little attention and a few days off work.  The point is, I decided to just get it out.  No doubt there was guidance involved.  I had no reason to suspect any problems, my decision was based solely on preference.  So I went ahead and scheduled a pre-op appointment.  We went over to IHC where Doctor Nolan took a look and made sure we were good to go with surgery.  I was scheduled for Friday, July 27th.  Everything went well.  I got it out, got a little pity and attention from the fam and I was good to go.  The Tuesday after the hospital called with the pathology report.  I was definitely shocked when I heard the word 'lymphoma'.  I did not even have a corner of my brain dedicated to the thought of any kind of problem.  Especially one like this.  Doctor Nolan explained to me that the lymph node was a kind of lymphoma called Hodgkin's Lymphoma or Hodgkin's Disease.
    I pretty much lost it that night.  I didn't understand how this was possible.  You hear about people getting cancer, but usually it's not even someone close to you, let alone yourself.  I felt scared.  I felt like this couldn't possibly be real.  And if it was, they already removed the problem so that has to be it...but I think I knew it wasn't it.  It scared me to know that this was in my body, and what this would mean for my future, even if it was just the near future.
    Friday after the news of the pathology report I went in to get a PET scan and a CT scan.  Reality still hadn't set in yet.  I tried to imagine this as my future, being in hospital rooms letting the hospital staff do whatever they want with me.  After those thoughts didn't cheer me up I turned my focus more short term.  They put some contrast in me intravenously and had me drink a couple cups of fluid to help contrast as well.  I sat in a room by myself for forty five minutes while the fluid worked it's way around my body.  From there I went to get the PET scan.  That entailed laying perfectly still with my arms above my head for about thirty minutes while it scanned me.  After that they took me to the CT scanner, put some barium into my veins and scanned some more.  That one took about ten minutes and I was finally on my way, not to know the results til almost a week later.  Fast forward to Thursday, the day my diagnosis was confirmed.
    Mom and I got up bright and early to make it to Huntsman Cancer Institute by 8:00am.  When we got there they did a couple of blood draws and from there we were told the results of the scans.  I felt so fragile the whole day, like you could say one thing to me good or bad and it would put me in tears.  The thing that set me off at this point after hearing the news was seeing mom.  It helps to have the most wonderful family in the world, but it can also bring more emotion.  After that they took me into another room to schedule port placement, heart & lung tests and of course, chemotherapy.  When that was finished they took me into the final room to get a bone marrow biopsy.  It made me nervous but the whole ordeal took about ten minutes including the prep and thankfully mom was there the whole time.  Carlee came in soon after that and after a few tears we pulled ourselves together as another medical assistant came in to explain more.  Finally the day at the hospital was wrapping up.  Carlee, Mom and I ate some lunch and then came home.  I was relieved to finally be home, but it was different.  From now on, or for the next six months at least, my life will be different.  I can handle that.