The Beginning

   On Wednesday, August 22nd 2012, what I thought was already real became as real as it could possibly be.  This was the day that my port was placed.  It felt weird being in the university hospital because it was so big and had lots of things going on.  The little corner of the hospital we went to seemed like a whole different building with low ceilings and quiet halls.  We checked in and I got all suited up for surgery; scrubs, gown, robe, socks, the whole shebang.  A doctor called Eugene told my mom and I about what they were going to do right after a nurse started my IV.  I got scared at this point.  They were going to make two incisions to place the port and the long catheter attached to it.  I left my mom and started walking to the operating room with the doctor.  Even though this was a small, quick procedure, I felt like I was walking to something much worse...and I kind of was, this was the beginning.
     I laid down on the small hard table when they told me to.  I turned my head when they told me to.  I nodded when they needed a response.  I let them do whatever they needed to.  What else could I do?  I felt helpless because I had no say, no decisions.  I guess this whole thing is kind of like that.  I have to trust the doctors that this is what is going to heal me, I might have to be sick for a while in order to get better, but that's just how it is.  A man introduced himself and started rubbing on the now familiar iodine to clean off the place where the port would now be for six months.  A nurse wiped some of my tears with a tissue and then announced that she was going to start the medicine.  I remember seeing her a for like a minute later, then I was waking up someplace new with a piece of machinery under my skin.
     The rest of the day consisted of a lung test and then a heart ultrasound.  Both went fine, I was just ready to be home.  That was the day that marked the beginning for me because now I had something that would remind me everyday that this is real.
     Next came day one of chemotherapy.  First came the poke.  Mom and I went up to the second floor office of Huntsman Cancer Institute to start off the day.  A nurse named Shane took me back to start the IV through my newly placed port.  It was super nerve racking to not only get the dressings on my brand new wound taken off but then get a needle poked through my sore skin.  Mom came in and held my hand as we began.  The poke wasn't near as bad as I anticipated, just like a regular IV stick.  After that we were off to the chemo room.
     My favorite medical assistant, Aryn, took us down there where they checked me in and gave me a new pair of headphones that Skull Candy apparently donates...so that was cool.  As we were waiting Carlee came down with a chemo countdown poster and bags of goodies for each visit from all of the sisters.  I've often watched shows like Extreme Home Makeover and wondered how the very second the mom or whoever sees the house they start bawling immediately...I now know.  The overwhelming feeling of gratitude is too much to handle sometimes, so tears become a must.  Everyone is just so unbelievably wonderful and giving, it makes all the difference.  I had no idea how much support I would receive, and even more than that,  I had no idea how much I would need and what it means to me.  I've been in positions before where I feel helpless and until now I didn't realize that even though others can't take away the problem, simply caring makes all the difference in the world for me.  Love and support has been pouring in and sometimes I don't even know how to handle it.  I just want there to be a way to express how much it means, and how much it helps.  It's support like this that makes me feel like this is going to be a piece of cake, or at least hope it will be.
     I was directed to my recliner next.  The infusion room is quite amazing, they definitely make you as comfortable as you could possibly be for getting chemo.  The rest of the day was just getting my drugs.  My specific cocktail of medications are as follows; Adriamycin (aka Doxorubicin), Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine or ABVD.  They were all administered through IV and probably took about four hours from start to finish.  We got home and about an hour later began the sick.  It's been a hard beginning, filled with tears, nerves and fright.  But it's also been a beginning filled with gratitude, appreciation and perspective.  My sick days ended by Monday and I'm feeling good.  Now I have til Thursday to do it again...easy peasy.